Thanksgiving and giving and giving aw yeah.

I love thanksgiving. I go over my friends house and I just eat and be happy all day. Its pretty incredible. This Turkey is going to be different because the day after it is Eid or as I call it Muslim Christmas. I am kinda happy about that. The only downside to Eid is that I have to spend all day telling people where to park because I work as a parking attendant on my on uncles farm. If you have ever wondered why one day you see no Muslims roaming about, its because they are all at my uncle's farm. Its really insane.

Anyways stand up has been going good. The last spot I did I killed so that was fun. My next gig is on Saturday and it should be alright. I think I am going to have a completely clean set. Speaking of stand-up Robin Williams is going to have a new set come out on HBO soon, and I am very curious. I have never really been a fan of his, but I have always been intrigued by his material.

Speaking of HBO Curb your Enthusiasm is over and it was incredible. I love that show so much. It is honestly one of my favorite shows of all time.

I know I have been neglecting this blog, but I will try and write more. I have just been up to writing this a lot. What I have been writing however is poetry and I realize that I promised you readers a poem when I started this blog so my next post will be my sexy poem that I wrote class. I have to let the class get there responses in before I release it to this blog. It is really funny and slutty. Its like a funny porno.

I miss my brother. He is in Korea teaching kids how to be assholes and English. But all and all he's a good person. I have to get him a "new" xbox before 2010 because he lost his xbox live account because he played bootleg games.

Juice of the week: Turkey

Halloween(I think thats how you spell it)

Last night was Halloween, and it was alright. I absolutely hate Halloween, but I still participated. I ended up being a cub scout named Scotty. I was originally supposed to "Steve" where I wear a name tag of a guy named Steve. I stole that idea from the first season of the office. I told my friend bob this idea and he did not like it at all. My friend Bob was a baby Dennis Rodman. It was hilarious. Joe was a slutty cat whoa what a stretch am I right people. That was mean sorta but not really. There was also alot of people with cumbersome costumes. What is meant by that is that there was alot of boxy motherfuckers. People as appliances and walkways and whatnot. It was ridiculous. I think next year I am going to be a slutty cub scout, and just wear my bandanna, hat, and short shorts. Or I might just stick to my joke and be an adult.

Why I hate Halloween:

I hate it because growing up as a kid I always had a shitty costume. Unlike myself my parents were procrastinators so they gave me the worst costumes. I remember being a ninja by wearing a black sweater. I love the fact that women dress slutty, but not on Halloween. I am not a fan of it. I feel like its a cop out. I am honestly just not a fan of it. Maybe I just hate happiness.

On Friday night I saw Erasable Inc's Halloween Show. It was pretty good. They did alot of improv, and a short film. The film was alright. The audio kept going in and out during the film, and that really took away from it. I did enjoy the show. They all did really well, and I even saw the Fish.

I had the most ignorant moment in a long while on Thursday. I was driving, and I saw a store called Centro Disco. It looked like a costume store so I brought my friend Bob there because he needed a costume. So we stroll in the store, and it is full of Cds and cassettes, and then the second half of the store was full of sombreros and vests. The saleswoman comes up to Bob, and starts speaking Spanish, and Bob looks at her and says I don't speak Spanish. She scurries away, and once she does, Bob starts giggling. Not loudly but enough for me to ask whats so funny. He tells me that he realizes that I am racist because I thought that traditional Latino clothing was Halloween costumes. In my defense I thought it was a costume store because it was called Centro Disco.

Juice of the week: Sombreros

Pittsburgh

I went up to pittsburgh on Thursday. It was a great trip. Here is a day to day highlight of it.

-Thursday
Thursday I drove up there at 11 am. It was a surprisingly quick drive even though it was raining. I did get involved in a minor-ish accident. I was driving and it was rainy and foggy, and the car in front of me hits a blown out tire. This tire flies back and hits my hood. Luckily it did not hit my windshield or else it would have cracked or worse shattered. So I get immediately bitter, and I chase this guy. I follow him and I am honking my horn, and giving him the high beams. It was very much like that Seinfeld episode where George thinks the guy gave him the middle finger, and he follows him for two hours in a rage. Well I continue to follow him, and I flagged him down. As he pulled over I remember thinking "Oh shit I just pulled him over what do I do now?" I walk over to his car, and I look pissed. I begin to talk to him from the drivers side window, but I am getting sprayed with water from 18 wheelers. So I move to the passengers side, and here is how the conversation went:
Me- You ran over a tire and it hit my car.
Him- What?
Me- You ran OVER a tire and it hit my CAR.
Him- Oh I'm sorry, what do want me to do?
Me- I want you to watch where the fuck your going asshole!
As I walk back to my car I am just staring him down. And as I reach my car, I give him the finger, and drive away. Now I am not proud of this moment. It could have turned very ugly if he had a gun or called the cops. I actually called the cops after this to see what I could do about the tire hitting my car(seeing as how I took down his license plate number before all this went down), but there was nothing I could do about it.

Thursday Night I went to Ichiban with my homie Craig. I paid for it, and he gave me a knife. So it was a fair deal. Then after we all went gambling and lost $60 at the craps table. It was a really cold table.

Friday was great. I did some improv at this improv jam at the university of Pittsburgh. It was alot of fun. It has been running for like 20 years apparently, and there was a huge crowd. It wasn't great improv, by anyones standard because it was all audience based. But it was a ton of fun.

Saturday was weird. I went and watched my nigga Randy's roller hockey game. It was really shitty hockey, and his team was way to into it. They even brought their girlfriends to come watch them. This absolutely boggled me. Why would you bring you girlfriend to come watch you play a rec league sport? There is no point to it. These young crows would talk about how their boyfriends would be bitter after a loss, and take it out on them at home. Its awful. If you are reading this, and you have a girlfriend, don't take her to watch you play in your shitty rec league. Let her stay home or hang out. You don't have to do everything together. Randy played alright however his goalie sucked and they got the mercy rule.

Saturday night was awkward. My friends and I went to the Southside of Pittsburgh. This is where all the bars are. I don't drink, but I enjoy the atmosphere of a bar. Randy warned me about inviting our one friend, and I did not invite him, but he knew where we were and he invited himself. It turned out to be a mistake to even let him know I was alive, because he turned the night into damn near a train wreck. He was the most obnoxious drunk I had ever had to deal with. He was the biggest cock block of quite possibly all time. Before I go on with the recap of the events let it be known that I was not perusing about for women. I was sleeping on a couch or under a bed, and one night stands are not my thing. If I got a number, and established a friendship with a girl that would cool. To continue this asshole would cock-block at every which turn. I was talking to a waitress making small talk and whatnot, and he would cock- block. He cock-blocked my Nigga Randy by literally a humping the woman Randy was talking to. The cock-blocker could not talk you without putting you in a headlock. I was seriously pushing him away, and getting my fists ready in case he wanted to swing. He would constantly yell "I don't know my own strength" and the one time he yelled this he punched Randy in the face. He punched my boy Dan Johnson in the throat. Since I drove I was about to leave this asshole in the city. But I did not, and I am bitter thinking about this moment. This is the last time I hang out with this dude. He was an overall dick, and I do not have to put up with it.

I will probably go back to Pittsburgh next semester even though I am going to canada for spring break.

Juice of the week: Blown out tires

i think I might pull this off once a week.

I am stoked for the gig on friday and saturday. I should do alright. I'm just happy they are giving me a hotel room. Which is sweet.

I need a costume/character idea for a show on Halloween . The idea is for me to stand up in as a different character, but I just don't know what character or costume. So if you have any ideas let me know.

I gave a speech at my highschool the other day. I was really nervous because I am not good at speeches. But I did fairly well. I went with the rookie mistake of Improvising sorta. I opened with a poem and finished with a really good line about not forcing direction and to be unwavering

That first part was written last wednesday. A good blogger would just delete it and move on, but judging by the frequency of my posts I am not a good blogger.which is why the title is now ironic rather than literal.

My shows went very well on friday and saturday. Heres what happened on friday. I misprounce the Headliner's last name so he gets on stage and asks me my name. Well heres how the dialog went:
Headliner- "Whats your name?"
Me- "Atif"
HL- "Atip?? I aint tippin you motherfucka. Naw where you from you look different?"
Me- "I am black and arab."
HL-" Black and arab? so if you bomb someone, you gonna be late"

We ended up doing that all weekend which worked well. Sorta like a bit. I had fun with it. The crowd laughed too hard at it sometimes though, but it was fun. The headliner was cool. He gave me lots of pointers. The feature was also very cool. He was a musical act, and he killed. He was awesome because he mixed up music with jokes. He also laminated his bio so it would be easy to introduce him. We discussed our favorite comedians, and comedy styles. He referred me to the steve martin book, and I think I might actually buy it. We exchanged our comedy horror stories and it was awesome. They never treated me like an inferior. Some comics will be douchey because you are the mc, and whatnot, but these dudes never were. All in all it was quite possibly the most diverse show these people, had ever seen. Me, musical act, and black comedian all killed, and it was great. It would be awesome to work with them again, but if I don't then I wish them all the best.

No groupie love. I hate the word groupie, but there isn't a better word. I am not a group. Its not like I perform for groupies. Groupies aren't my motivation.By the way whats a better word than groupie? I wasn't looking for groupie love, but... it would've been nice. I honestly enjoy the verbal props so much, that the oral props would've just been a bonus. I am glad that the women in the audience did find me funny because I tell pretty dirty jokes, and it shows that they have a sense of humor. Here's why there was no groupie(I really hate this word) love. Every girl literally had a boyfriend. Even the girls that went on a girls night out had their boyfriends at the other table. Women approached me after the show to talk, and whatnot, but they mentioned their boyfriends. I think I am cursed. (this is such an awkward paragraph. I was cringing as I wrote it)

Joe welkie drew me in the comic for the diamondback. Its pretty funny. I am not just saying that because I am in it... OK i am. No his comics are hilarious so i urge you to go pick up the diamondback. Its honestly one of the nicest things someone has done for me, and thats why he is a white delagate.

Juice of the week: Joe's comic

its has been too long

It has been a long ass time since writing in this blog. Sorry about the delay. I am writing from class right now, and I figure I have to keep ya'll informed as to what has been going on. I have a gig lined up out of state next week. I am really looking forward to it because it has a hotel room for me so I don't have to drive back and forth. Its in PA by the way.

I am playing fantasy football, and that is quite possibly the main reason as to why I havent updated this blog. I didn't think I could get into Fantasy Football, but I did and I havent watched so much football in my life.

School is going good. I'm still coasting through it, but I'm not asleep like the guy sitting in front of me. He's even snoring, its embarrassing. I'm sitting in a history class where there is literally one hot chick. Literally one!! Heres the kicker; there are only two girls in the class. Its honestly sad. Like really sad. If i was an optimist i would say "half the girls in my class are hot", but I'm not and its depressing. Oh and she is also really smart. So not only is she the only girl, but she is also too good for me.

I'm going back up to Pittsburgh in a couple of weeks to watch the raiders-eagles game with my friends. My nigga randy is a raiders fan and I'm and eagles fan, but we are both gentlemen so it should be fun.

I need to do more writing so far I have a bunch of premises, but I have yet to flesh them out. Its pretty bad, but the jokes are good so I should be alright.

I love poetry class. Its awesome. I write poems and try to sound deep when talking about other peoples poems.

Juice of the last three weeks and this week: Poetr

School.....

I actually went to class today. I am pretty impressed with myself. I didn't get any sleep till five-ish. I was in bed by two, but I couldn't get any sleep so I ended up listening to sports talk radio because that always puts me to sleep. It is like listening to angry sportscenter because they repeat the same stuff over an over again, but each time they repeat it they get more and more angry. So the fifth time you hear about T.O the radio host is ready to stab someone with his number one fan foam finger.

My favorite class so far has to be poetry. It seems easy...if I go it. But there is alot of hot chicks in it so I have incentive to show up. The only downside is that I have to write a poem by Thursday (tomorrow). I think I will write a sexual poem about sex and juice, and read it out loud.

My Ejs set on Saturday was pretty good. I went all new shit(that ties into old shit), but I(along with the rest of OFF The Wall for more info read the joe blog) apparently told to many dick jokes. Which isn't true I mean my set list was- DICKS,MORE DICKS, FUNNY DICKS, POLITICAL DICKS(Cheney, Nixon etc), and a crowd favorite FAMOUS DICKS. That wasn't my set list at all btw. My actual set list had two porno jokes the rest was surprisingly cleanish material. I said the word bitch and this woman gasped and I then yelled that I was edgy. I actually was surprised I said bitch. I normally don't say that word on stage, but off stage I use it like no other.

My Bar Bacon set on Friday was alright. I felt really sick and uneasy about performing that night. It was weird. To make matters worse-ish a co worker of mine showed up and I felt even more uneasy. So I get up on stage and I start off fairly confident, but then I realize that I can hit my head on the chandelier. So I start internally trying to memorize where the chandelier is in relation to my head. So that took me out of my element, but other than that I did alright. It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. I had laughs after every joke, but not the length that I normally get on them.

Ramadan is alright. This is the earliest I've ever fasted so I am not used to it at all. That's the bad thing about having a lunar calendar. I look really pissed all the time because I am squinting because if I don't squint my vision gets blurry. Which isn't good. I worked outside Sunday and I was mad dizzy. Sunday was funny because I got food poisoning. How ironic is that? My first meal of the day made me sick. It was awful.

juice of the week. Moon.

I wanted to write this on sunday morning but I had work

On Saturday Night going into Sunday Morning I had the weridest dream/nightmare I have had in a while. Here's how it went:

I am on stage about to start telling jokes. I look down and notice the gray carpeted stage. The stage was five feet high and circular but the weird thing was the three foot brown Alice in wonderland-esque door that leads to the stage. Now crowd area had two big ass round bars that ran parallel to one another. Their were hot blond bartenders at each of them, and the one to the left had two of my friends. And at each side of the stage had two bouncers guarding me. So I introduce myself and everyone is talking. Except my friends who are trying to listen to me. So I continue with my set and even add new parts to previous jokes, but everyone is talking. So my friends move forward to a table right next to the stage to try and listen. I try and gain the crowds attention so I grab the mic stand and hold it. Since I move my hand a-lot the stand was swinging everywhere. But the crowd got louder and bigger. So I got louder and began swinging the mic more furiously. But all of a sudden the little stage door opened up and A crowd of people surrounded me. But I still told my jokes, and kept telling my jokes as it got bigger and bigger. There was a point where I had no room to move my arms and I felt suffocated, but I still kept popping my head up to tell these jokes. Then I somehow fell and got trampled. I woke up with a numb and slightly dislocated shoulder.

It was just a really weird dream. Like I didn't wake up freaked out i just woke up really confused. I remember thinking why would I add that to that joke. It had nothing to the premise. I guess that's what happens during Ramadan.

Three doors down has a new video out that features The Geico Cavemen. I find it dumb that they use the caveman as the protagonist.Before you say its the song from the commercial so it makes sense, but I say nay. That is a very lazy move to do. Were Three Doors Down thinking "Hm they already know the song from the commercial why don't we just have it coincide with it and build a video as a prequel to the commercial." Now Three Doors down inner monologue isn't that intelligent but still its a stupid idea because now that song is gonna be known as the caveman song to idiots. I can imagine a drunk heckler at a TDD concert screaming "CAVEMAN SONG! CAVEMAN SONG!" Here is the video in question:

3 Doors Down - New Music - More Music Videos

I am kinda sad that the summer is almost over because that means that I will have to wear pants soon.

I am looking forward to Bar Bacon VII(it means 7). It is a strong line up and Jim Meyer is the man. I will bring out some new jokes but I will start with the Ramadan joke because you should always start with something that works.

BTW. That Three Doors Down rant was the whitest rand I have ever written. I could've ranted about The Fonz and it wouldn't have been that white.

Juice of the week: None its Ramadan.