slacker-y

Ok I know it has been nearly a month, and I am sorry. It must be impossible to follow this blog because of my sporadic posting habits. Like now its 1:36am eastern standard(of course). The only reason I am awake is because I want to catch for "For The Love of Ray J" That show is hilarious. I just love shitty tv shows. My favorite shitty tv shows include: Next, any vh1 dating show, Lesbian Next,Real World(and its various spawn), and Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. I just love shitty tv shows, dont get me wrong I love intellectual shows(60 minutes,Frontline, Nova, Dinner for five,Jeopardy) but sometimes you need to watch dumb shit. Wish I had something deeper than that, but i don't.

watch this video till the end to find out why i am a fan of that Ray J show. Two words Lie Detectors!


Speaking of shitty shows who still gives a fuck about Jay Leno. I have only met one Jay Leno fan in my life, and he was a moron. Conan is leaps and bounds better than Leno.I honestly don't understand why NBC cares so much about Jay Leno to push Conan back. Conan's show has always been superior to Leno's. I would even say that Leno might be one of the worst hosts on late night tv. Conan, Craig Ferguson, Letterman,Kimmel, and then shit, and then Carson Daly/George Lopez(I know he's on TBS, and cable normally wouldn't count on a list like this which is why Colbert/Stewart is not on the list, but I do enjoy them. But i just have to bring to light to all my international readers that George Lopez has a talk-show, oh and so does Monique(that fat chick from the parkers, but I dont hate her enough to throw her with George Lopez)). Carson Daly doesnt even have a set anymore, he has a guerrilla talk show which is stupid. But everyone in between i.e shit is on the same playing field. I won't watch anyone that is in the shit category unless there was nothing else on tv. Please note the difference between shitty tv, and just shit.In closing Leno is not funny, I would rather watch a marathon of Letterman's top ten, then Leno interviewing Kofi Annan, while topless women juggle koalas. I will end this before I confuse you even more.

Joe and I went to King Of Prussia, PA and Philly yesterday. King of Prussia was very nice. I drove a mutual friend of ours named Evan back home, and he is honestly one of the nicest people ever. I have nothing bad to say about the dude, which is alarming because I always have something bad to say about people. Philly was fun, Joe and I almost sang the blues in a shitty bar. We tried to find an open mic but they were all closed. So we went to Philly to nothing but wander around,and that was alot of fun. No we did not have cheesesteaks because Philly cheesesteaks are overrated. Yeah I just said that. I would have sushi or gimbap (a korean roll very sushi esque) any day of the week before a philly cheesesteaks. All I'm saying Philly is if your cheesesteaks are so fucking delightful, then why are their SUBWAYS on every corner. Yeah.. Exactly, I'm happy your phillies lost, and that the Flyers are sucking, and I'm probably not gonna be an Eagles fan for much longer. Notice how i didnt mention the 76ers good job bring back Allen Iverson, maybe you sell some tickets on a non bobble-head night.

That was douche-y, but that's what happens when you are awake at 2:02 am watching "For the Love of Ray-J"

Juice of the Week- NEXT!

Bromance

I have been doing stand up for two years now, and I am doing alright at it. I am happy with my progression so far. I have really come along way. I'm kinda proud and I am not gonna stop anytime soon. I don't feel like a grizzled vet though. I actually still feel like that stupid 18 year old kid who talked about living in the middle east. I still feel new to this, and its great. I'm glad I have a core group friends that help me develop my material. Lets hope that this never feels old.

Here is the list I wrote a year ago, and what I actually did are labeled one and the what I actually did is labeled two:
1)Not have a gimmick, I'm already a black- Arab i don't need anything else to make me look like an asshole.
1. I don't have a gimmick so I guess I am good on that front.
2. I don't have a gimmick and I am kinda happy about that. I give it a year before I start making white people jokes.

2)Get bitter at a heckler and make the audience feel awkward.
1.I did get bitter at a Heckler, but I have never made the crowd feel awkward. I handle hecklers pretty well.
2. I dont get bitter at hecklers I just make fun of them(that was cocky)

3) Do a showcase at school and tell the audience that i will be in the back for questions. Then leave out the side.
1. This is just a dick move to be honest. I will probably never do it.
2.I have never done this and i will never do this.

4) Get more haters
1.I think I got more fans and people that commend me. So I am failing at this one horribly.
2. I have more haters now and its awesome.


5). Have more confidence and just say what i want to say, rather then be afraid of repercussions.
1.Confidence comes with time, but my jokes have been kinda racey yet playful. I am like the Hugh Grant of stand up.
2. Still not confident and I am still the Hugh Grant of stand up

6) Write a joke about my love for chick flicks that will be funny.
1. I did. Thank you She's All That
2. I'm still a huge shes all that fan.

7) This blog will have its personal moments and some poetry. Whats werid is that this blog might not even be funny because i will not have joke ideas in it.
1.I don't know about this one. I only put one poem in it so far. There will be more though, I promise.
2. I put my sexy poem on the blog, and I will have more poetry in the next year.

8) Write more jokes.
1.Check
2. Check

9) Write more poems
1.Check
2. Check

10) Read the darkest poem at Spy lounge and freak everyone out.(I'm weird that i will do jokes or make things awkward so that i can entertain myself)
1.I will probably never do this unless I incorporate a poem in a joke
2. There was no more spy lounge.

11) I always wanted to have a stage name but I honestly think its too late because I have written too many jokes about my name.
1.There will never be a stage name. Maybe a name change, but never a stage name.
2. I dont see the point to a stage name. Unless your in SAG and you have to change your name.

12) Let less people in.
1.Check
2.I am actually failing at this one because I have let more people in. In a year I even have a new white delegate his name is Bob. Don't ask me what a white delegate is because its mildly stupid.

13)Be more professional on stage.
1.Check... sorta
2.Check I am doing a bit more crowd as well.

14) Cuss less
1.Yeah I have been cussing alot less than I used too. Its not sayin much because I still cuss alot.
2. I cuss alot less than I used to, in fact I can do an all clean set....but i won't because I love swearing.

15)Get a paid show because thats all people care about(I honestly don't care but people don't think your legit until you get paid)
1.Check and thank you Will Hessler.
2. I have been getting alot more paid shows.

16) HAVE MORE HATERS. I need haters.
1.Again if I have haters I wouldn't know because I don't really pay attention to people's feelings.
2. I have so many haters. I need more of them. I won't stop till I have all the HATERS in the world (insert maniacal laughter here)

17) Make more populist jokes.
1.Check.
2. I have been writing jokes about current events lately so thats good.

18) Write a dick joke. I don't have any dick jokes and that prolly because MY DICK AIN'T FUNNY Its Serious. That was dumb
1.That was a dick joke. An awful dick joke, but a dick joke nonetheless.
2. I have some dick jokes that are pretty prettty pretttty pretty good.

19) Be more critical of myself.
1.Check
2. I'm still critical of myself, but I have also stopped giving a fuck sometimes. Its very freeing.

20) Not think about performing as much. I'm always thinking about my jokes or performing even when I'm about to go to sleep or I'm hanging out with friends I'll zone out and think about performing.
1.This is an impossible goal to attain because I have to always think about my next performance.
2. This is a really stupid goal. I think about performing everyday so I wont ever follow this one.

New goals that I wrote in December of 2008.
21) Perform in New York, Philly and Pittsburgh before June. Toronto during the summer time. I don't care if its open mic. I just need to get back to those cities. I've already performed in Ny and Philly, and the crowd was absurdly responsive. Pittsburgh cause I have friends there. Same goes for Toronto
1. I actually did this one. And I also performed in Korea. So you can suck it canada.... until I see you from spring break.

22) Write longer jokes.
1. I have been writing longer jokes.

23) Write longer poems.
1. My poems are so long. have you seen the sexy poem huh. Have you seen the sexy poem.

24) Perform more. Every comedian says the same thing. Just perform more, and someone will notice.
1. I have been performing alot.

25) Win more competitions.
1. I did win competitions. I am going to win more competitions. Even though I hate the whole notion of a comedy competition. I really like winning

26) Make a demo.
1. I have made a demo, but I need to make a better demo.

27) Be more confident.
1. This wont happen. I can't get confident because then I will get lazy and if I get lazy then I explode.What I am trying to say is that my comedy career is like the movie SPEED.

28) Memorize more.
1. I have been memorizing alot more.

Newer goals.
29) Write a ten minute long joke.

30) Perform in Canada

31) Apply to a festival.

Thanks for reading this long ass list and I appreciate your support or hate. Either way thanks because you just read this.

Juice of the week: Bromance

Poem

here is the poem I wrote for my class. It was originally going to be very over the top but I figured I would "tone it down" a bit. Its pretty funny and my class surprisingly enjoyed it. It was weird reading it out loud and I honestly didn't give it its just due. But here it is
(the next blog will be on December 14th my two year stand up anniversary)

So much for innuendo

As I walk you to your door
I remark that my coat
has never looked that good before
as it does on you.
We stop and I kiss you goodnight
but instead of breaking off
you hold on tight.
You open your door
as you push me in
keys are falling to the floor.

Still kissing, you
push me up the steps
I try to walk, but
I'm not one for multitasking so
I fall up, and you land on top
laughing and gasping
while I'm groaning.
We rise and this time I grab the rail
as we kiss and touch,
and continue up these fucking stairs.
We reach your room, and sadly
your top was a casualty
as it didn't finish the journey,
but ours has just started.
And our lips finally part
as you shove me against the wall.
A smile comes across your face
as you fumble with my belt.
Then you blow me
away with your oral skills.
I don't know how your doing it
but I love it, and you know it.
I know I have to return the favor.
So I throw you on the bed
and the taste I begin to savor.

And when I'm done
you finally decide to turn some music on,
but I stop you.
Because I don't want to compete with another man
telling me your body's a wonderland
when I'm already exploring it.
So I pull you back on the bed
get on top, and kiss you before I start.
And as I put it in, you moan.
But even though neither one is Christian
we still got a bit of missionary in us.
But we aren't gonna make love
like its our first time,
but we are gonna fuck like
it might be our last
like after this moment we will be
nothing but the past.
And I know that this will last
somewhere between an hour and all night

I say you look beautiful,
even though I am looking at the back of your head
You turn around and smile, and continue
to yell my name and His
except His is in vain and mine
Mine doesn't sound that good, but
it comes after His so it sounds great.
This is so good that I wish people were here
to take notes, on what I wrote
on the back of your neck with my tongue.
Your about to finish
So I go faster than I did before
even though I am in no rush
I still feel like I have to,
and plus
your telling me I have to.
Because this moment is all about you.

Juice of the week: Innuendo

Thanksgiving and giving and giving aw yeah.

I love thanksgiving. I go over my friends house and I just eat and be happy all day. Its pretty incredible. This Turkey is going to be different because the day after it is Eid or as I call it Muslim Christmas. I am kinda happy about that. The only downside to Eid is that I have to spend all day telling people where to park because I work as a parking attendant on my on uncles farm. If you have ever wondered why one day you see no Muslims roaming about, its because they are all at my uncle's farm. Its really insane.

Anyways stand up has been going good. The last spot I did I killed so that was fun. My next gig is on Saturday and it should be alright. I think I am going to have a completely clean set. Speaking of stand-up Robin Williams is going to have a new set come out on HBO soon, and I am very curious. I have never really been a fan of his, but I have always been intrigued by his material.

Speaking of HBO Curb your Enthusiasm is over and it was incredible. I love that show so much. It is honestly one of my favorite shows of all time.

I know I have been neglecting this blog, but I will try and write more. I have just been up to writing this a lot. What I have been writing however is poetry and I realize that I promised you readers a poem when I started this blog so my next post will be my sexy poem that I wrote class. I have to let the class get there responses in before I release it to this blog. It is really funny and slutty. Its like a funny porno.

I miss my brother. He is in Korea teaching kids how to be assholes and English. But all and all he's a good person. I have to get him a "new" xbox before 2010 because he lost his xbox live account because he played bootleg games.

Juice of the week: Turkey

Halloween(I think thats how you spell it)

Last night was Halloween, and it was alright. I absolutely hate Halloween, but I still participated. I ended up being a cub scout named Scotty. I was originally supposed to "Steve" where I wear a name tag of a guy named Steve. I stole that idea from the first season of the office. I told my friend bob this idea and he did not like it at all. My friend Bob was a baby Dennis Rodman. It was hilarious. Joe was a slutty cat whoa what a stretch am I right people. That was mean sorta but not really. There was also alot of people with cumbersome costumes. What is meant by that is that there was alot of boxy motherfuckers. People as appliances and walkways and whatnot. It was ridiculous. I think next year I am going to be a slutty cub scout, and just wear my bandanna, hat, and short shorts. Or I might just stick to my joke and be an adult.

Why I hate Halloween:

I hate it because growing up as a kid I always had a shitty costume. Unlike myself my parents were procrastinators so they gave me the worst costumes. I remember being a ninja by wearing a black sweater. I love the fact that women dress slutty, but not on Halloween. I am not a fan of it. I feel like its a cop out. I am honestly just not a fan of it. Maybe I just hate happiness.

On Friday night I saw Erasable Inc's Halloween Show. It was pretty good. They did alot of improv, and a short film. The film was alright. The audio kept going in and out during the film, and that really took away from it. I did enjoy the show. They all did really well, and I even saw the Fish.

I had the most ignorant moment in a long while on Thursday. I was driving, and I saw a store called Centro Disco. It looked like a costume store so I brought my friend Bob there because he needed a costume. So we stroll in the store, and it is full of Cds and cassettes, and then the second half of the store was full of sombreros and vests. The saleswoman comes up to Bob, and starts speaking Spanish, and Bob looks at her and says I don't speak Spanish. She scurries away, and once she does, Bob starts giggling. Not loudly but enough for me to ask whats so funny. He tells me that he realizes that I am racist because I thought that traditional Latino clothing was Halloween costumes. In my defense I thought it was a costume store because it was called Centro Disco.

Juice of the week: Sombreros

Pittsburgh

I went up to pittsburgh on Thursday. It was a great trip. Here is a day to day highlight of it.

-Thursday
Thursday I drove up there at 11 am. It was a surprisingly quick drive even though it was raining. I did get involved in a minor-ish accident. I was driving and it was rainy and foggy, and the car in front of me hits a blown out tire. This tire flies back and hits my hood. Luckily it did not hit my windshield or else it would have cracked or worse shattered. So I get immediately bitter, and I chase this guy. I follow him and I am honking my horn, and giving him the high beams. It was very much like that Seinfeld episode where George thinks the guy gave him the middle finger, and he follows him for two hours in a rage. Well I continue to follow him, and I flagged him down. As he pulled over I remember thinking "Oh shit I just pulled him over what do I do now?" I walk over to his car, and I look pissed. I begin to talk to him from the drivers side window, but I am getting sprayed with water from 18 wheelers. So I move to the passengers side, and here is how the conversation went:
Me- You ran over a tire and it hit my car.
Him- What?
Me- You ran OVER a tire and it hit my CAR.
Him- Oh I'm sorry, what do want me to do?
Me- I want you to watch where the fuck your going asshole!
As I walk back to my car I am just staring him down. And as I reach my car, I give him the finger, and drive away. Now I am not proud of this moment. It could have turned very ugly if he had a gun or called the cops. I actually called the cops after this to see what I could do about the tire hitting my car(seeing as how I took down his license plate number before all this went down), but there was nothing I could do about it.

Thursday Night I went to Ichiban with my homie Craig. I paid for it, and he gave me a knife. So it was a fair deal. Then after we all went gambling and lost $60 at the craps table. It was a really cold table.

Friday was great. I did some improv at this improv jam at the university of Pittsburgh. It was alot of fun. It has been running for like 20 years apparently, and there was a huge crowd. It wasn't great improv, by anyones standard because it was all audience based. But it was a ton of fun.

Saturday was weird. I went and watched my nigga Randy's roller hockey game. It was really shitty hockey, and his team was way to into it. They even brought their girlfriends to come watch them. This absolutely boggled me. Why would you bring you girlfriend to come watch you play a rec league sport? There is no point to it. These young crows would talk about how their boyfriends would be bitter after a loss, and take it out on them at home. Its awful. If you are reading this, and you have a girlfriend, don't take her to watch you play in your shitty rec league. Let her stay home or hang out. You don't have to do everything together. Randy played alright however his goalie sucked and they got the mercy rule.

Saturday night was awkward. My friends and I went to the Southside of Pittsburgh. This is where all the bars are. I don't drink, but I enjoy the atmosphere of a bar. Randy warned me about inviting our one friend, and I did not invite him, but he knew where we were and he invited himself. It turned out to be a mistake to even let him know I was alive, because he turned the night into damn near a train wreck. He was the most obnoxious drunk I had ever had to deal with. He was the biggest cock block of quite possibly all time. Before I go on with the recap of the events let it be known that I was not perusing about for women. I was sleeping on a couch or under a bed, and one night stands are not my thing. If I got a number, and established a friendship with a girl that would cool. To continue this asshole would cock-block at every which turn. I was talking to a waitress making small talk and whatnot, and he would cock- block. He cock-blocked my Nigga Randy by literally a humping the woman Randy was talking to. The cock-blocker could not talk you without putting you in a headlock. I was seriously pushing him away, and getting my fists ready in case he wanted to swing. He would constantly yell "I don't know my own strength" and the one time he yelled this he punched Randy in the face. He punched my boy Dan Johnson in the throat. Since I drove I was about to leave this asshole in the city. But I did not, and I am bitter thinking about this moment. This is the last time I hang out with this dude. He was an overall dick, and I do not have to put up with it.

I will probably go back to Pittsburgh next semester even though I am going to canada for spring break.

Juice of the week: Blown out tires

i think I might pull this off once a week.

I am stoked for the gig on friday and saturday. I should do alright. I'm just happy they are giving me a hotel room. Which is sweet.

I need a costume/character idea for a show on Halloween . The idea is for me to stand up in as a different character, but I just don't know what character or costume. So if you have any ideas let me know.

I gave a speech at my highschool the other day. I was really nervous because I am not good at speeches. But I did fairly well. I went with the rookie mistake of Improvising sorta. I opened with a poem and finished with a really good line about not forcing direction and to be unwavering

That first part was written last wednesday. A good blogger would just delete it and move on, but judging by the frequency of my posts I am not a good blogger.which is why the title is now ironic rather than literal.

My shows went very well on friday and saturday. Heres what happened on friday. I misprounce the Headliner's last name so he gets on stage and asks me my name. Well heres how the dialog went:
Headliner- "Whats your name?"
Me- "Atif"
HL- "Atip?? I aint tippin you motherfucka. Naw where you from you look different?"
Me- "I am black and arab."
HL-" Black and arab? so if you bomb someone, you gonna be late"

We ended up doing that all weekend which worked well. Sorta like a bit. I had fun with it. The crowd laughed too hard at it sometimes though, but it was fun. The headliner was cool. He gave me lots of pointers. The feature was also very cool. He was a musical act, and he killed. He was awesome because he mixed up music with jokes. He also laminated his bio so it would be easy to introduce him. We discussed our favorite comedians, and comedy styles. He referred me to the steve martin book, and I think I might actually buy it. We exchanged our comedy horror stories and it was awesome. They never treated me like an inferior. Some comics will be douchey because you are the mc, and whatnot, but these dudes never were. All in all it was quite possibly the most diverse show these people, had ever seen. Me, musical act, and black comedian all killed, and it was great. It would be awesome to work with them again, but if I don't then I wish them all the best.

No groupie love. I hate the word groupie, but there isn't a better word. I am not a group. Its not like I perform for groupies. Groupies aren't my motivation.By the way whats a better word than groupie? I wasn't looking for groupie love, but... it would've been nice. I honestly enjoy the verbal props so much, that the oral props would've just been a bonus. I am glad that the women in the audience did find me funny because I tell pretty dirty jokes, and it shows that they have a sense of humor. Here's why there was no groupie(I really hate this word) love. Every girl literally had a boyfriend. Even the girls that went on a girls night out had their boyfriends at the other table. Women approached me after the show to talk, and whatnot, but they mentioned their boyfriends. I think I am cursed. (this is such an awkward paragraph. I was cringing as I wrote it)

Joe welkie drew me in the comic for the diamondback. Its pretty funny. I am not just saying that because I am in it... OK i am. No his comics are hilarious so i urge you to go pick up the diamondback. Its honestly one of the nicest things someone has done for me, and thats why he is a white delagate.

Juice of the week: Joe's comic